Education

You Only Live Once!

About a month ago, I was discussing with a close friend. We talked about a lot of issues generally then we zeroed in on issues affecting women. As we talked, we got to the subject of women who haven’t had any children. It was a really intense and touching subject for both of us because of the things we’ve seen. Now, although I am still very young, I have seen a lot of stuff that I can’t seem to wrap my mind around.  Recently, I was in the midst of some people and they were talking about a woman who hadn’t given birth since she got married. This woman is someone who is stylish, loves dressing well and looking good. She is also well to do and can afford vacations and trips to different places. She’s also a very cheerful and down to earth person too. But the people talking about here felt she had no right to dress flamboyantly or walk about happily.  They kept saying she had no shame like it was her fault that children were not forthcoming. They felt like she doesn’t care about her predicament. 

 

I was taken aback. I kept wondering: So if someone is expecting or looking for the fruit of the womb, she should now wear her problems as cloth? I think people should calm down. That someone is dressing well doesn’t mean they are not worried about their problems. We should learn to respect the fact that everyone is different and our dressing is in our control. If looking good makes someone happy and they can afford it, why not? We all have one life to live. If someone doesn’t have a child, does it mean she should live life like it’s all over for her? Should she dress like she’s a walking corpse just so that everyone would pity her? No! Her life is not over. So, if she chooses to dress good and enjoy the good things of life, we shouldn’t berate her or think something is wrong with her. That actually shows you don’t truly sympathize with her. If you did, you would be happy that at least she has something she can enjoy in this one life she has to live. 

 

The fact that someone is looking good on the outside doesn’t mean they are not dealing with stuff on the inside. You don’t know what goes on in the corner of their room. You don’t know how they soak their pillows every night and pray for their situations to change. More than that, you don’t know what efforts they make – the amount of money they spend, the kinds of medical attention they seek and the numerous remedies they’ve tried. Some of them dare to do or try things that you can’t imagine doing so that things will get better for them. When they come outside looking all good and all you care about is reminding them of their problems or wishing they will wear them as clothes, then, you’re not a very good person. Even you, do you wear all your problems as clothe? Or are you trying to tell me that you’ve never had a trying time or a challenge in your entire life? That’s not possible and you and I know it!

 

Honestly, I think it’s absurd and utterly ridiculous for people to expect such woman to dress haggardly and carry all their woes on their head every time. Imagine spending thirty or forty years of your life dressing like your troubles. You magnify your one major problem over all of the other blessings God has given you just so that you’ll please society. Do you allow the things outside your control to affect the joy of things within your control? People should stop being inconsiderate for crying out loud. Funny enough, it’s always the woman that they keep hammering on. Nobody bothers about what the man is wearing – whether he’s looking good or not. They just focus on the woman and feel like she’s not thinking or that she’s not showing signs of worry about her predicament. And I think people focus more on the woman because many times we tend to forget that it takes two people to make a baby. Maybe because women are the ones who carry the children and birth them and because many times, it is women who do the nurturing, we forget that baby-making is 50% father and 50% mother. 

 

Also, when it seems like it’s the husband that is more worried about the childbearing stuff, people get agitated and uncomfortable. But should that really be so? What law on earth states that the woman must always be more worried about the fruit of the womb situation that the man? Should it be our business? People are just quick to unleash daggers of words against women who are looking for the fruit of the womb. They are quick to puncture holes in everything they do. And they are quick to over-analyze their lives. They judge them for being happy at the things they have control over. They judge them for daring to have a life even though they’re looking for the fruit of the womb.

 

Should this really be so? Should a woman put a pause to her life and to living because she didn’t bear an offspring? I think society is too harsh to women seeing that this is something that isn’t under their control. Fertility issues are usually something that is between two parties and many times no one knows the actual root causes. The most we should do for people who are looking for a baby is to pray for them (in our closet) and to empathize with them in our hearts. Then, we should free them. Let them be. They have every right to enjoy their lives like the rest of us. We should be happy that they are still standing tall, holding their head high and smiling. Rather than judging them and expecting them to dim their light, we should be genuinely happy and pray that more good things happen for them.

 

Adewuyi Roseline is passionate about the girl child. Growing up, she had a lot of questions about her identity. She is on the journey to ensure that young girls rise above limitations, smash stereotypes in their communities.

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